Thursday, May 20, 2010

Feelings of failure

Do you ever have one of those days? A day where you feel like you are just failing in areas you do not want to? A day that is emotionally draining and you are just exhausted? I had one today. This post is not meant to be a whine fest but just to keep it real and document my feelings so I can look back on this time in a few years and see how far I've come. I usually try to keep the blog pretty positive but we all have challenging times right?

Becoming a mother of two has rocked my world. It's harder than I thought it would be. I feel stretched so thin and that I am being pulled in so many directions that I don't know which way to go. Some days I feel like I can't handle it all. Some days I feel like I am not being the kind of mom I want to be. I feel like I'm not being the kind of wife I want to be. I feel overwhelmed almost daily. I feel guilty that I can't give Julianne the kind of attention that I used to because there are now two little girls who need their mommy. I'm sure this is worse right now because Claire is so little and needs more of my attention than Julianne does. I lose my patience so much more easily lately. I hate that I am so exhausted by the end of the day that my mood is not good. I hate that I want to work out so bad every day to lose the last pounds of this baby weight and fit into my clothes again but most days can't find the time and by the time I do find time, I'm to tired to do it and just want to go to bed. I hate that I haven't hung one picture of Claire in our house yet. I hate that I haven't even started on her baby book.

I know that every big change in life has an adjustment period and I have to get used to my new normal. I know that things will get better when I can get Claire on a regular schedule during the day (she's getting there). I am thankful that Claire is sleeping through the night already. If I was still getting up 2-3 times a night I think I would be in a complete fog. I am thankful that Julianne is able to entertain herself fairly easily by reading books and playing. I am thankful that Julianne loves Claire and does not seem to be jealous at all.

I have bad days but there are also days where I feel like I have it together and that I am getting the hang of this mommy of two gig. I pray those days become more frequent. For now, I need to realize that no one is perfect and I'm doing the best I can. I need to let some things go and these girls are teaching me that there are way more important things in life than having a clean house all the time, having the laundry done, having all the papers off of your desk, and everything in it's place. They are what is important. Shaun is what is important. As long as they are happy, I am happy. And all that has to happen when I am having a bad day is to see these two smiling faces. It makes everything worth it. I am blessed beyond measure.

I love you girls. I'm trying hard to be the best mommy I can be and some days I fail but I hope you always know that you are loved more than words can say.

11 comments:

Band of Brothers said...

going from one to two kids rocked my world too! People would ask how I was doing and I would just stare at them and say "horrible!". You are doing a great job and your little sweetie pies are so blessed to have you as their mama.

hang in there. my pediatrician said "being a mom is the most challenging job in the world".

Gerri said...

I wish I had a dime for everytime I felt like a failure as a mother. I think it's normal and I'd be worried about you if you didn't feel that way at some point. It means you care which makes you a great mom.

Now that mine are grown I realize that I never really failed. They are happy, healthy, productive young adults who make my heart sing everytime I look at them or think of them. I must have done something right, right?

Being a mom is a tough job, but it's THE BEST job you'll ever have. I thought the adjustment from one to two was really hard, then not so much from two to three because by that time I think I'd learned how not to sweat the small stuff. Eventually one day you'll realize that everything is falling into place and there won't be so many crazy days. Hang in there, I'll be thinking about you. :0)

Sally said...

BofB's ped was absolutely right - being a mom is the toughest job ever!! You are an amazing mom!!

It sounds like you've had a pretty tough week...I hope you find some time to relax this weekend...every day is a new day!! =)

septembermom said...

I have those feelings more than I would like. It's tough emotionally, physically and spiritually to be a mother some days. It's such a demanding job. You're a wonderful mom Jenn. Don't worry :) We all have those feelings and those tough days. Mothering is really an on the job learning experience. I've been doing it for 13 years and I wonder if I'll ever feel like I get it totally right. You are filled with love for your girls. You're doing great!

Agnes said...

Jenn I can totally relate! And I can't imagine how you do it with no family in town and with Shaun working long hours. Give yourself a break and remember it's just a season and soon enough things will be easier (or perhaps just hard in a different way?). I have a friend who says that you can't judge yourself as a parent when you are pregnant or have a small baby in the house. This has made me feel better when Hudson watches a little more TV than I really want him to! Hang in there...I'll be thinking about you!

WhisperingWriter said...

You are a wonderful mother.

It's hard going from one kid to two. I had no idea what I was doing at first.

Ashley said...

It sounds like you are doing a great job and the fact that you are putting your two little girls a head of a workout or clean house shows that! Thanks for being real..i can't even imagine how busy and tired you are!

Sara said...

Been there. Am there. I was going to share what Agnes said, but we have the same wise friend! Don't judge yourself harshly right now. It WILL get easier and some days it's a success just to SURVIVE. Your girls are adorable and they are lucky to have you!

Seizing My Day said...

Keep your chin up ~ loving your babies is the most important thing ~ time will go so fast ~ the overwhelmed feelings will come and go in that first year ~ it is normal!! =) love and enjoy ~ just love and enjoy!

Allison said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allison said...

Hey Jenn,

I can totally relate...and so far I only have 1 baby! I have had a better year this year, but last year I felt exactly like you are feeling now: my house was a complete disaster (except when my mom or Barbara were here and helped clean), I had a super tough class of students, Matt was seriously neglected compared to before we had Graedy, and I'm sure you remember what it was like to leave your little one and head off to work-terrible. With all of the other people needing me I definatly didn't have time to take care of myself. Graedy is really into Nemo right now, so, as Dori says "Just keep swimming"! I know brighter days are just around the corner!